Sunday, September 20, 2009

A Fact of Our Existence

"I just need to know if its possible for two people to stay happy together forever."  -JUNO
As I watched the movie for the second time, this line just inadvertently hit me. I have had  a couple of questions similar to this.

How do we know that the person we are supposedly "in love" with is the right one? How do we know that the relationship will last for a lifetime?

Its a very obnoxious thought specially when we only have one lifetime to live. - one chance to make things right, to fall in love with the right person, and to spend "forever" with him/her.

All we could do is waste precious time, gamble, and hope for the right one to just come and take our misery and doubts away.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Surrealness of Thought

Writing with the voices of uncertainty at the back of my mind;
  Surprisingly going with the flow to wherever it takes me.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

An Exasperated Drama

The past few days have been so calm and soothing; the rain never stopped. Its as if the higher beings just listened to my drawned out plead to make me feel alive. 

I endear life the most when I go through times like these. I feel much more alive when I am reminded of my earthly pains and discontentment. I awake from the dreams I love to be convinced of and I distrust even a bit of hope for something greater. 

Dreams and hopes are illusions of the mind. As much as I want to make all of these real, they can never be. They are non existent - a make believe, a lie to feed humanity's  surreal craving for a better life. The futility of even trying paves way for ignorance and yet learning not to drown in them is the hardest thing there is to constrain.

Friday, September 11, 2009

A Vanquished Sympathy

"How many times can I break until I shatter? Over the line, I can't define what I'm after. I always turn the car around. Give me a break; let me make my own pattern. All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered."
-O.A.R. (Of A Revolution)   

The Isochronism

Here I am again writing with a shattered heart. I have just realized that most of us yearn for that feeling of utterly reciprocated love that we tend to blind ourselves from the shallow reasons that make us give in to that extreme desire. We choose to turn our heads the other way than accept the fact that this person may not be the one for us; hence, it leads to a bitter ending: sad, crushed, and most of all, lonely - right back where we started.

I have gone through a number of moments like these and yet I never seem to get tired. I get past the stop sign and think that this person could be the one; the one that is worth the risk of getting hurt. Only to end up with a heart shattered in pieces, knees on the floor, and free flowing tears. 

Every time I get back up, I tell myself to reluctantly choose the next one. To no avail, it ends over and over again. Most times I think it gets tiring but when this next potential charmer comes my way, there I am practically throwing myself with hope that this could be the one that could give me the happiness I deserve. 

Someone, please get me out of my misery.

An Exquisite Contour

Free falling into the enchanter of the damned;
Not knowing which way to go.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

An Unprecedented Escape

On the extremity between dreams and the ultimate reality;
I struggle to feel both at the same time.

Days of Antiquity

"What makes a man the way he is?"
This question has been part of the persistent thoughts that have been bothering me for the past few days. What is it that makes us who we are? Is it all because of all the circumstances we had to go through or is it fate acting on us? Can it be both? Yet again, more questions with answers I don't know where to discover.

As I recall the innumerable memories I have had so far, it amazes me how I am the way I am. There was this one particular moment where I woke up to the realization that I can not be like all the others - I do not want to live my life doing whatever it is that they do; loving whatever it is that they love.

I refuse to be stereotyped as this little girl who does not know a bit about life; I never wanted to be labeled as this little girl who smiles her way out of everything. Yes, I am eighteen; and some of you might say these silly thoughts of mine are awfully ridiculous. Then again, this eighteen year old lady, I must say, is quite rare.

I refuse to be oblivious to the world - I crave to grasp that feeling of knowing what there is to know. I shall live without regrets and be aware of what's out there. I thirst to experience every emotion that life can possibly give.

I do not want to be remembered only as part of a crowd.
I want to be remembered as THE Christine Angela Sevilla that once lived her life extraordinarily.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A Cherry Lasciviousness

And yet her desires remain hidden to the eyes of the world;
waiting to be found and quenched.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

A Psychedelic Dream

I woke up today with a feeling that I have not felt in such a long time. I don't have anything grand planned to do today and yet my heart pounds in excitement for what today awaits. Instances like these are precious; something to live for - to look forward to in every waking moment; the moment when I first open my eyes and start to feel.

I yearn for a big adventure - something I will never forget until I perish this physical reality. I dream of a place where humanity has no restrictions - no standards it has to live with, no one to please but themselves. This place I talk about, I have heard people argue that without rules to restrict humanity, there would be nothing but chaos and beastliness.
"Every man for himself"
I'm sure you have heard this at least once or twice in your life. There would not be any kind of chaos when the world did not have any definitive standards set out for humanity to follow. There would be no good or bad, what is and what is not supposed to be. 

I must admit, I don't know human nature from the books but from what I have observed so far, each one of us is searching for happiness - the ultimate happiness that could defeat the purpose of whatever it is the others would like to think of. 

I want to take off and start my adventure. I want to make a mark in everyone I come across with - inspire them. I want to see the world and experience everything it has to offer.

Friday, September 4, 2009

A Technicolored Luster

I like to think of myself as this locket.
Brilliant yet shallow. 

Immortal Beloved

Oh Immortal Beloved,

Believing in your existence is betraying the very thought that there's no such thing as "the right time"; and yet here I am, ready to defeat every reason that tells me I should not. In reality, I don't know anything about you. I do not know who you are and yet I love you in the deepest sense. I love you in a way that when every time a thought of you passes by, my heart jumps out of pain; like it experiences a massive flicker of a lightning shock. 

Think of me as a lovely masochist for your love; a fan who would do anything to get to know how it feels like to be with you - for you to be called mine. As much as it hurts thinking that you may never be that one I have been perceiving you were, I choose to risk all that I have and hope for a miracle that would lead me to wherever you are. 

I'm lost for words. I know I still have so much to say. My thoughts are speaking to me all at the same time; I can't put everything out in words, much to my frustrations and pains towards you.

Until then,
Christine Angela Sevilla

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Lovely Apprehension

Transcendental hallucinations;
A boundless boulevard to the never ending search for the unknown.

The Morning Sedative

Every day I wake up with fathomless thoughts about how I live my life. Its absurd to know that I awake for a purpose - that my existence has not fulfilled what its meant to do just yet. 

I want to know what I am living for so I may fight for it; I want to feel contentment and satisfaction in the things I do. It exasperates me that I can't find a way to look for the answers to so many questions that I have been yearning  for. 

Its aggravating how, for as much as I want to go out there and look for them, I don't know where to start. I can not just sit here and wait for some circumstance to throw these so called answers because from what I have learned so far, life doesn't work that way - it never has, and definitely, it never will.    

A Random Encounter

I talked to someone today. That someone I'm sure I won't be forgetting anytime soon. We have been talking for a couple of minutes now and yet this person makes me feel like he can understand me more than the people that I encounter with everyday could. He said:
 "I have special people in my life, but I am as lonely as you."

This guy is just brilliant. That line (and some others which I will be discussing later) made a mark. It does not happen so much with conversations I have with people - specially with strangers. 

I just dawned on me that yes, I have so much special people in my life and yet here I am, shallow and jaded. Why such loneliness? Is there something wrong with me? Could it be the reason for my thoughts and feelings an aftermath of my refusal to open up to happiness and opportuntites? For whatever reason it is, I'm surely frustrated. I shall find out the answers soon enough. By then, I shall be living that life of happiness that recently seems to be closer to dreaming that experiencing reality.

The conversation landed into that issue of infidelity. He shared to me (not in detail) his own experience on it and I simply commented that the thought of infidelity disgusts me. He said:
"Infidelity is an interplay of reasons, circumstances, time and some other things. the mere thought of it should stimulate you to think and come up with a rather intellectual objective realization. Not disgust."

Well said - I don't think there are no other better set of words to reply to such a meaningless comment. 

There should be more of this guy's kind. People like him interests me so much because they know where they stand and they know how to clearly set out their thoughts; thoughts that actually make sense. If only the world would have more of them; there would be less complications and crap that we have to deal with.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

A Distorted Reality

She fights for her life.
She waits for a little bit more.
She knows soon she'll get what she deserves.

Over the Horizon

I need a place where I can shout my thoughts away. 
I need something I could wipe my free flowing tears with. 
I need to find my very own place of refuge - away from the sad and cruel realities of the world I am in now.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Management is a story about a guy who runs a motel with his parents who, on one random day, fell inlove with a customer. Mike (Steve Zahn) wanted to take his chance with Sue (Jennifer Aniston) went up to her on the night that she checked-in the motel and tried his best to get to know her. Sue was not interested at all and pushed Mike away in whichever way she can. Time came when she finally had to leave the motel which meant parting ways with Mike. On Sue's way out, she knew she wanted Mike - that there was something she did not want to let go off. She went back, and expressed a physical way of attraction with Mike but then eventually ended up leaving, still. 

Mike did everything he can to follow Susan around the country and did all the ways he possibly could to be with her. To Mike's dismay, the more he followed Susan, the more he was pushed away. He never gave up and thought about her for as much as he could. Time came when Mike knew that Susan moved to Washington State to be with her former boyfriend. Despite the fact that Susan had someone already, he still decided to follow her there with only $300 dollars in his pocket. 
He didn't have a home and he was running out of cash and yet searched the whole state for her. He then met this chinese busboy who knew the guy that Susan was with. Things got complicated when Mike found out that Susan was going to be wed to the present boyfriend and that she was pregnant. Mike went to a monk monastery and learned to "let go and move on" while Susan got ready for her baby. 

Like for almost all of the love stories in the movies, they ended up together after everything that happened between them.

KUDDOS to the script writer, director, and whoever chose Steve Zahn to portray Mike's role. The soundtrack was pure brilliant - I loved every song. The movie is surely a must watch. 

How I wish I could have a love like that. How I wish someone would fall for me in a way that he wouldn't see my flaws and just look at me as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I want to know how it feels like being respected and loved in that kind of level - where there is not even room for infidelity or other issues, where it would only be him and I living our life together.

Till that day comes - I will be here waiting for that person to find me.

Little Miss Hollywood

Look into my eyes.What do you see? 
Is it the creature that I am, or who you want me to be? 

Under the Blue Skies

Its the first day of my two week break and here I am trying to figure out what to do today. The irony of waiting for one whole term for this  particular time of the academic year so I could just slack off and not do anything. Human nature, I guess. We, as people, were never contented with what we have. 

I love how the weather in the country could be so flexible and nice. I look outside and I see a very calm morning - not like the usual hussle bussle of the dirty polluted streets. I wish everyday would just be like this. Not much sun that hurts the skin, people are actually relaxed, and the temperature is spectacularly soothing. Yes, the kind of weather most of us are tempted to just sleep in. 

I have observed that during days with such a weather, the world seems to fall into place. The usual noise that surrounds the city that we have subconsciously gotten used to disappears. The wind that brushes through my face seemingly whispers a message of comfort, as if saying "Its all going to be okay.", giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. 

I'm going to live today. 
I'm going to live and do things that I want.
At the end of the day, I know everything will eventually
-Christine Angela Sevilla 09.03.2009

A Telepathic Dream

In times when everything seems so impossible,
All I need is my car and the road. 

An Inconspicuous Escape

Get me out of here, I crave for something of importance.
Something worthwhile. 

Her Morning Elegance

Her Morning Elegance
Oren Lavie

"Sun been down for days, a winter melody she plays. The thunder makes her contemplate."

A Walk through Life

Here I am yet again, trapped in the quietness of the four white walls of my room - tired and exhausted from another day of fighting for life and searching for the unknown. It is sad to say that for every day I live, I don't feel any closer to that thing I am looking for. More so, I don't even know what it is. 
Its confusing how I struggle for the things that  most people would not dare even think about.  Is it just me, or is there something about knowing what's in store and the purpose of why we fight and try to survive this treacherous life? 

We wake up in the morning with thoughts of work that we have to accomplish. We go to wherever we are supposed to be and do what we are supposed to do, we then deal with the constant disappointments that seem to never end. At the end of the day, thoughts about work dangles just right before we go to sleep. What do we get out of our daily routines? Nothing. Its just another day of living a life by the way society perceives it to be.

Live, I want to live Inspired. Die, I want to die for something bigger than myself