Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Three Years Down The Road

Its been a long while since I published an entry in here and I would have to admit that it is something that I missed a lot. Time has not been permitting me to write away my thoughts - release it into this lonely place of my obscure thoughts and condemnations. I used to have this place as my abode of lost things - things, who are precious to me may they come from my beaten up and bruised heart or the deepest corners of my profound mind. 

As I recently looked back into what this blog of mine has become, a short moment of hysteria overcame the person that I am. 2009 was not exactly my year - I was not proud of it, not one bit. Yet, it was in that year that I chose to actualize my thoughts in secrecy through this diary. I was hoping that out of the billions of people on earth, even a couple of souls would want to take interest in such thoughts. Maybe not then, maybe not today, but maybe, when the time comes that I become somebody, someone will find this and actually address it as something of importance. 

I have come a long way from being that wretched teen-age drama queen who thought was carrying the burden of the world. In 2009, Christine Angela Sevilla hated the world for letting her experience the biggest heart ache that she ever felt. Funny how at that time, I never looked at the world on a brighter note. It was all about how I was intentionally deceived by the devil through one person I learned to love the most (or so I thought). It was not easy. I felt as if every waking day was a punishment from the higher beings for all the wrongs that I have done in my life. As I worked my way through my issues, I got a little better once in a while. 

2010 gave me new hope when things started to get better. I suddenly let go of the bitterness that wrapped the core of my existence as friends and family wrapped me with overwhelming love and support. They brought me to places, took care of me like I was a pristine piece of glass who was just remolded - hot and soft as it was, it needed to be nurtured and taken cared of until it cooled down. A year full of adventure. I was all over the place. I went to Punta Fuego with my high school "barkada", Cebu and Siquijor with my family, Puerto Princesa and El Nido (Palawan) with my college blockmates, and other random adventures here and there. I enjoyed life, I felt love, and eventually I got so much better. 

As I write to you now, the Christine Angela Sevilla who is no longer a teenager but a twenty year old lady who has so many things to be thankful for and even more things to be apprehensive about. Looking back today gave me a glimpse of how my life has changed over the years and it makes me wonder what has yet to arrive. If I were to look back to this day five years from now, what would I see? The uncertainty baffles me but whatever it is, I could only hope for the best. For now, I am thankful for everything that has happened to me - the ups and the downs definitely made me a stronger person. I can't tell you I am ready for what is to come because I know, in its deepest sense, that we can never be sure what life is going to throw at us tomorrow. 

Whatever it is, However things may be, I wish for the best.  


Friday, October 7, 2011

To The Teacher Who Made My Heart Beat

I haven’t slept in days. In its deepest sense, the physical body has long been tired; but the spirit – its essence and enthusiasm, paves way for more hours of believing, longing, and hurting for the thought of the heart’s deepest desire­ to grasp a dream. Endless hours of thinking how to make things work; time passes me by as the whole world indulges in the different earthly pleasures that give them such false realities.

I have spread my wings but not as wide as they are supposed to be. I’m scared of falling – a failure that shall kill my very existence; may it be physically or spiritually. I flap them as hard as I could as I try to learn how to fly – and yet, I just can’t perfect the art of flight. Maybe someday, someday not too long from now, I would be able to. For now, I’ll indulge in every day’s learning.

I always remember a particular scenario in my mind, which, I’m pretty sure happened in this reality as I vividly remember every detail in it. A student and a teacher sat on a bench one fine afternoon as they shared stories about what has been happening to their lives. The student, who was amazed with this teacher’s insights and capabilities, were awed as she listened to what he had to say. He watched his other students as they did what they were tasked with and he let them explore their own playground – leaving them with such fragile trust. The conversation got longer and deeper as the young college girl shared her interests and dreams. Out of everything that they talked about, there was one thing that stayed with her up to this day. The professor let out a statement so simple and yet extremely mind-boggling that it left a mark in the deepest corners of her heart.

“You seem to have lost the spark… the sparkle in your eyes are slowly fading…” she knew then what he was talking about. She knew because it’s a reality she had been dealing with – a conflict she herself, did not know how to solve. She was left with thoughts that never put her to rest. She had to know the reason behind it. She had to grasp what it meant so her soul might be able to rest with the knowing.

It took her so many months to realize what was wrong. College was eating her up – the endless papers and submissions where she had to step up for, working the hardest that she could as she dealt with the world’s mediocracy and immense cruelty. It burned her out. That’s when she knew – her dreams were slowly fading away as she was gradually sucked into the dogma of “living”. A life of boundaries set out by society; of what is and what is not supposed to be – of what is proper and what is not.

It is all clear to me now. I was looking into my very own memory. I was the student and you know yourself that you were that professor. You opened my eyes to the fact that I live for what I love and not the other way around – that I cannot last in an existence where I cannot impart to the world my creativity and the things that I could do. I crave for recognition as I make objects that bring love and appreciation to the world.

I bring you the greatest news that I have ever had since that subject you guided me in. I have chosen to rise above the noise of being part of the society. I choose to chase a dream that I know I can bring to life. As I put up CA, (Christine Angela), a clothing line that I always wanted, I want you to know that you have been a big part of my life – the decisions that I made, the paths I chose to explore. And for what its worth, you always will be. The spark lives on and the sparkles, soon, will be back where they belong.

Cheers to you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Rendezvous beyond Human Understanding

She anticipated another yet rendezvous that would surely awaken that seemingly enduring consciousness; as if it was not clear enough that her entirety yearned for such an event for a couple of days and counting. Since the moment they kissed goodbye, she wished for some blinding flash of miracle to let her freeze time and spend it like every minute was the last. Instead, the moment ended in dire tragedy as she got out of his car and into the reality that her fairytale story for the night was over. 

Over thinking, wishful thinking, and contemplating - there she went on about how such a prince who came knocking down her castle not long ago was able to sweep her off her feet in a deafening way; even her precious mind was questioned on its ability to comprehend. 

Another sunrise and she knew from the depths of her being that it was going to be her day; a different kind of morning as she hesitantly prepared for what has yet to come - uncertainty and eagerness to get through the day and into the arms of that prince who, with unguarded approach held her helpless existence into his grasp. 

She gazed into the contour of his face under the moonlight that seemed to glisten in time for that moment. They were on a bridge that showed the endless possibilities that brought the two of them together. His eyes were mesmerizing as she knew about his worries and dreams - it was like of a boy's eager to go through the world with so much ecstatic desire. His nose had the nice pointy touch that made his cheeks look so cheerful and firm; and those lips - ah! the lips of an angel, the one she has always thought of since the minute she first saw him. 

Oh lady, what has this stranger done to deserve such? - a question neither of them could justify. There was a moment of silence and she could feel the reciprocation from his gentle touch; the way this prince held her was unlike any other in a way that her soul was longing to have more than what already is.  He laughed like a boy and yet he talked like a true spoken man. He poised himself like a victor walking out of a battle he had just won.

She could not take it anymore - she had to understand more. A moment of truth and honesty came rushing in from the sweet prince's soft spoken voice as his enticing lips told her everything she needed to know. She was baffled and yet those were the most beautiful barrage of words she has ever encountered.

What he was - she may never apprehend fully but she knew it was then she had to stay for more. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Agenda Underneath These Smiles

They said we should all live a life that we'll never regret.
We eat, we drink, we party and go crazy over the seemingly golden pleasures in life;
but as you look deeper into each person's soul, 
a realization shall disturb your utmost being -
one that can change your perspective of the world forever.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Horrific Truth for the Ages

I'll always be the ultimate bitch in your eyes and
you'll always be my biggest disappointment. 

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Summer in 2010

Its almost summer time and I could not help but notice how much busy I have been these days - that at some point, I might just be as busy during the summer this year. This video has always served as an inspiration to me whenever I'd feel as if I am about to explode out of the extreme stress and aggravation in all the things I have to do. Whatever frustration I may have had, it always got me by just knowing that no effort ever goes unrewarded. I got this chance to travel Palawan with my closest college friends because my parents strongly believed that I deserve this big break. They made sure I grow up valuing the importance of effort and the rewards I get out of them.

I got to tour Palwan in the Philippines. My friends and I enjoyed going to so many places, meeting new people, and actually just going crazy in all the beaches and islands we went to. We went to Puerto Princesa, El Nido, Minilog Island, Lagen Island, Pangalusian Island, Vigan Island, Matinloc Island, Underground River, and Dos Palmas Island Resort. We ate great food, slept under the coziest beds, and got to experience a lot of firsts. Most of all, I got to be closer to the college friends I never thought would be as dear to me now.

I have always dreamed of travelling the world. Growing up, I saw myself touring the whole of Europe, South America, and then all the other countries in the world. Given the chance to choose how to live my life, I'd have to pick having to travel the world and see different sites while I meet new people and just party with them. 

I do the things I do at the moment because I want to make it big. I want to make it big enough that I would be able to reach the goals that I have set out for my life as quickly as I can. Time is of valuable essence that I would stick up to working and achieving so that I would be able to retire quickly and enjoy the fruits of my labor. 

At the end of the day, its all that we have accomplished and experienced that matters.