I haven’t slept in days. In its deepest sense, the physical body has long been tired; but the spirit – its essence and enthusiasm, paves way for more hours of believing, longing, and hurting for the thought of the heart’s deepest desire to grasp a dream. Endless hours of thinking how to make things work; time passes me by as the whole world indulges in the different earthly pleasures that give them such false realities.
I have spread my wings but not as wide as they are supposed to be. I’m scared of falling – a failure that shall kill my very existence; may it be physically or spiritually. I flap them as hard as I could as I try to learn how to fly – and yet, I just can’t perfect the art of flight. Maybe someday, someday not too long from now, I would be able to. For now, I’ll indulge in every day’s learning.
I always remember a particular scenario in my mind, which, I’m pretty sure happened in this reality as I vividly remember every detail in it. A student and a teacher sat on a bench one fine afternoon as they shared stories about what has been happening to their lives. The student, who was amazed with this teacher’s insights and capabilities, were awed as she listened to what he had to say. He watched his other students as they did what they were tasked with and he let them explore their own playground – leaving them with such fragile trust. The conversation got longer and deeper as the young college girl shared her interests and dreams. Out of everything that they talked about, there was one thing that stayed with her up to this day. The professor let out a statement so simple and yet extremely mind-boggling that it left a mark in the deepest corners of her heart.
“You seem to have lost the spark… the sparkle in your eyes are slowly fading…” she knew then what he was talking about. She knew because it’s a reality she had been dealing with – a conflict she herself, did not know how to solve. She was left with thoughts that never put her to rest. She had to know the reason behind it. She had to grasp what it meant so her soul might be able to rest with the knowing.
It took her so many months to realize what was wrong. College was eating her up – the endless papers and submissions where she had to step up for, working the hardest that she could as she dealt with the world’s mediocracy and immense cruelty. It burned her out. That’s when she knew – her dreams were slowly fading away as she was gradually sucked into the dogma of “living”. A life of boundaries set out by society; of what is and what is not supposed to be – of what is proper and what is not.
It is all clear to me now. I was looking into my very own memory. I was the student and you know yourself that you were that professor. You opened my eyes to the fact that I live for what I love and not the other way around – that I cannot last in an existence where I cannot impart to the world my creativity and the things that I could do. I crave for recognition as I make objects that bring love and appreciation to the world.
I bring you the greatest news that I have ever had since that subject you guided me in. I have chosen to rise above the noise of being part of the society. I choose to chase a dream that I know I can bring to life. As I put up CA, (Christine Angela), a clothing line that I always wanted, I want you to know that you have been a big part of my life – the decisions that I made, the paths I chose to explore. And for what its worth, you always will be. The spark lives on and the sparkles, soon, will be back where they belong.