Three Years Down The Road

Its been a long while since I published an entry in here and I would have to admit that it is something that I missed a lot. Time has not been permitting me to write away my thoughts - release it into this lonely place of my obscure thoughts and condemnations. I used to have this place as my abode of lost things - things, who are precious to me may they come from my beaten up and bruised heart or the deepest corners of my profound mind. 

As I recently looked back into what this blog of mine has become, a short moment of hysteria overcame the person that I am. 2009 was not exactly my year - I was not proud of it, not one bit. Yet, it was in that year that I chose to actualize my thoughts in secrecy through this diary. I was hoping that out of the billions of people on earth, even a couple of souls would want to take interest in such thoughts. Maybe not then, maybe not today, but maybe, when the time comes that I become somebody, someone will find this and actually address it as something of importance. 

I have come a long way from being that wretched teen-age drama queen who thought was carrying the burden of the world. In 2009, Christine Angela Sevilla hated the world for letting her experience the biggest heart ache that she ever felt. Funny how at that time, I never looked at the world on a brighter note. It was all about how I was intentionally deceived by the devil through one person I learned to love the most (or so I thought). It was not easy. I felt as if every waking day was a punishment from the higher beings for all the wrongs that I have done in my life. As I worked my way through my issues, I got a little better once in a while. 

2010 gave me new hope when things started to get better. I suddenly let go of the bitterness that wrapped the core of my existence as friends and family wrapped me with overwhelming love and support. They brought me to places, took care of me like I was a pristine piece of glass who was just remolded - hot and soft as it was, it needed to be nurtured and taken cared of until it cooled down. A year full of adventure. I was all over the place. I went to Punta Fuego with my high school "barkada", Cebu and Siquijor with my family, Puerto Princesa and El Nido (Palawan) with my college blockmates, and other random adventures here and there. I enjoyed life, I felt love, and eventually I got so much better. 

As I write to you now, the Christine Angela Sevilla who is no longer a teenager but a twenty year old lady who has so many things to be thankful for and even more things to be apprehensive about. Looking back today gave me a glimpse of how my life has changed over the years and it makes me wonder what has yet to arrive. If I were to look back to this day five years from now, what would I see? The uncertainty baffles me but whatever it is, I could only hope for the best. For now, I am thankful for everything that has happened to me - the ups and the downs definitely made me a stronger person. I can't tell you I am ready for what is to come because I know, in its deepest sense, that we can never be sure what life is going to throw at us tomorrow. 

Whatever it is, However things may be, I wish for the best.  

Love,

To The Teacher Who Made My Heart Beat

I haven’t slept in days. In its deepest sense, the physical body has long been tired; but the spirit – its essence and enthusiasm, paves way for more hours of believing, longing, and hurting for the thought of the heart’s deepest desire­ to grasp a dream. Endless hours of thinking how to make things work; time passes me by as the whole world indulges in the different earthly pleasures that give them such false realities.

I have spread my wings but not as wide as they are supposed to be. I’m scared of falling – a failure that shall kill my very existence; may it be physically or spiritually. I flap them as hard as I could as I try to learn how to fly – and yet, I just can’t perfect the art of flight. Maybe someday, someday not too long from now, I would be able to. For now, I’ll indulge in every day’s learning.

I always remember a particular scenario in my mind, which, I’m pretty sure happened in this reality as I vividly remember every detail in it. A student and a teacher sat on a bench one fine afternoon as they shared stories about what has been happening to their lives. The student, who was amazed with this teacher’s insights and capabilities, were awed as she listened to what he had to say. He watched his other students as they did what they were tasked with and he let them explore their own playground – leaving them with such fragile trust. The conversation got longer and deeper as the young college girl shared her interests and dreams. Out of everything that they talked about, there was one thing that stayed with her up to this day. The professor let out a statement so simple and yet extremely mind-boggling that it left a mark in the deepest corners of her heart.

“You seem to have lost the spark… the sparkle in your eyes are slowly fading…” she knew then what he was talking about. She knew because it’s a reality she had been dealing with – a conflict she herself, did not know how to solve. She was left with thoughts that never put her to rest. She had to know the reason behind it. She had to grasp what it meant so her soul might be able to rest with the knowing.

It took her so many months to realize what was wrong. College was eating her up – the endless papers and submissions where she had to step up for, working the hardest that she could as she dealt with the world’s mediocracy and immense cruelty. It burned her out. That’s when she knew – her dreams were slowly fading away as she was gradually sucked into the dogma of “living”. A life of boundaries set out by society; of what is and what is not supposed to be – of what is proper and what is not.

It is all clear to me now. I was looking into my very own memory. I was the student and you know yourself that you were that professor. You opened my eyes to the fact that I live for what I love and not the other way around – that I cannot last in an existence where I cannot impart to the world my creativity and the things that I could do. I crave for recognition as I make objects that bring love and appreciation to the world.

I bring you the greatest news that I have ever had since that subject you guided me in. I have chosen to rise above the noise of being part of the society. I choose to chase a dream that I know I can bring to life. As I put up CA, (Christine Angela), a clothing line that I always wanted, I want you to know that you have been a big part of my life – the decisions that I made, the paths I chose to explore. And for what its worth, you always will be. The spark lives on and the sparkles, soon, will be back where they belong.

Cheers to you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

The Rendezvous beyond Human Understanding

She anticipated another yet rendezvous that would surely awaken that seemingly enduring consciousness; as if it was not clear enough that her entirety yearned for such an event for a couple of days and counting. Since the moment they kissed goodbye, she wished for some blinding flash of miracle to let her freeze time and spend it like every minute was the last. Instead, the moment ended in dire tragedy as she got out of his car and into the reality that her fairytale story for the night was over. 

Over thinking, wishful thinking, and contemplating - there she went on about how such a prince who came knocking down her castle not long ago was able to sweep her off her feet in a deafening way; even her precious mind was questioned on its ability to comprehend. 

Another sunrise and she knew from the depths of her being that it was going to be her day; a different kind of morning as she hesitantly prepared for what has yet to come - uncertainty and eagerness to get through the day and into the arms of that prince who, with unguarded approach held her helpless existence into his grasp. 

She gazed into the contour of his face under the moonlight that seemed to glisten in time for that moment. They were on a bridge that showed the endless possibilities that brought the two of them together. His eyes were mesmerizing as she knew about his worries and dreams - it was like of a boy's eager to go through the world with so much ecstatic desire. His nose had the nice pointy touch that made his cheeks look so cheerful and firm; and those lips - ah! the lips of an angel, the one she has always thought of since the minute she first saw him. 

Oh lady, what has this stranger done to deserve such? - a question neither of them could justify. There was a moment of silence and she could feel the reciprocation from his gentle touch; the way this prince held her was unlike any other in a way that her soul was longing to have more than what already is.  He laughed like a boy and yet he talked like a true spoken man. He poised himself like a victor walking out of a battle he had just won.

She could not take it anymore - she had to understand more. A moment of truth and honesty came rushing in from the sweet prince's soft spoken voice as his enticing lips told her everything she needed to know. She was baffled and yet those were the most beautiful barrage of words she has ever encountered.

What he was - she may never apprehend fully but she knew it was then she had to stay for more. 

The Agenda Underneath These Smiles

They said we should all live a life that we'll never regret.

We eat, we drink, we party and go crazy over the seemingly golden pleasures in life;

but as you look deeper into each person's soul, 

a realization shall disturb your utmost being -

one that can change your perspective of the world forever.

The Horrific Truth for the Ages

I'll always be the ultimate bitch in your eyes and

you'll always be my biggest disappointment. 

Summer in 2010

Its almost summer time and I could not help but notice how much busy I have been these days - that at some point, I might just be as busy during the summer this year. This video has always served as an inspiration to me whenever I'd feel as if I am about to explode out of the extreme stress and aggravation in all the things I have to do. Whatever frustration I may have had, it always got me by just knowing that no effort ever goes unrewarded. I got this chance to travel Palawan with my closest college friends because my parents strongly believed that I deserve this big break. They made sure I grow up valuing the importance of effort and the rewards I get out of them.

I got to tour Palwan in the Philippines. My friends and I enjoyed going to so many places, meeting new people, and actually just going crazy in all the beaches and islands we went to. We went to Puerto Princesa, El Nido, Minilog Island, Lagen Island, Pangalusian Island, Vigan Island, Matinloc Island, Underground River, and Dos Palmas Island Resort. We ate great food, slept under the coziest beds, and got to experience a lot of firsts. Most of all, I got to be closer to the college friends I never thought would be as dear to me now.

I have always dreamed of travelling the world. Growing up, I saw myself touring the whole of Europe, South America, and then all the other countries in the world. Given the chance to choose how to live my life, I'd have to pick having to travel the world and see different sites while I meet new people and just party with them. 

I do the things I do at the moment because I want to make it big. I want to make it big enough that I would be able to reach the goals that I have set out for my life as quickly as I can. Time is of valuable essence that I would stick up to working and achieving so that I would be able to retire quickly and enjoy the fruits of my labor. 

At the end of the day, its all that we have accomplished and experienced that matters. 

I Write My Heart Out

Its been quite a while since I wrote in this blog of mine. Things just got too busy that I forgot about the existence of that one thing that helped me drag myself out of the pit hole and into this world I am blissfully living at the moment. 

After a long time of groveling and introspecting about things, I just was not able to put in here my thoughts that I feel obligated to write an apology to you, whoever you are who cares so much about this lady's wicked and cryptic apprehensions.

In the midst of it all, I have come to the conclusion that my life is not at all another teenage life. I choose to be different every single day - from the clothes that I wear, from the things I do on most days, and the way I make my decisions. I am not like one of those bloggers who rant so much about the things that happen in my life; more of like I am bewildered with so many thoughts that come into this puny brain of mine - I like to think, I like to question things of the unknown. I find peace in trying to search for something that not a lot of people try so much to grasp. 

Something in me, I know, is very different from the rest of humanity and so I began the seemingly futile and yet exhilarating adventure - I don't know in which position I am or how far I still have yet to conquer but what I know is I do something about it, taking one post and one step at a time, not caring about what other people has to say - this is me.

I will write my heart out. I will find myself soon and when I do, it will all be worth it. 

The Eyes of the Innocent

As we grow up, the ultimate fact is that things get complicated. What is it with the aimless search for peace when all we ever do is make our very existence as troublesome as we could? 

I could still remember the days when one small lollipop could heal any kind of pain. There was not a single thing to worry about.

Innocence, what is it really? Is it our lack of knowledge about things or is it a deeper kind of ignorance? Is it our lack of direction that judges our kind of innocence? 

A Deeper Understanding

April 3, 2010
8:40 pm
San Juan, Siquijor

    It’s the time of the year again. That one time of the year that we get to actually go out as one complete family; obviously, events like these come rarely. The usual summer vacation plan would include booked plane tickets and road trips to nowhere but I guess this year would be different. We’re staying in a land my dad fell deeply in love with – a land long forgotten that’s full of precious memories he almost failed to remember.  Dad recently bought a vast area of land just up the mountain – it is something that lit up his spirit every time a thought of it comes up. I have not seen him so excited about something in such a long time. What might this land be? It is Siquijor. 

    We have been staying here for three days now and quite frankly, all I ever thought about was how hard it is to live a life in here. There’s barely any water, no reception, no internet, nowhere to buy midnight food (or good food at all), no transportation, no mattress that we could sleep in, no anything; thank heavens there’s electricity. The whole three days seemed to be more of a hassle than a real vacation; Dad just scolded me earlier today about how we don’t belong here – that we can’t adjust and live a life being poor; I felt a strong emotion of regret for bringing us along. 

    It is only tonight that I realized how much blessed I am to be able to experience all the things that I just did – or even the things that I am about to. Eight o`clock: there is no speck of light outside – the whole world just stopped. The whole world seems to be in a deep slumber when mom curiously peeked outside the house that we’re staying in. As she put one step outside the door, I saw her eyes lit up and her lips started to smile. She gazed in wonder as she saw the strong lights coming from the mountain from afar. Those lights were the only ones up there; our soon to be place of abode – our humble and cosy house. 

        My dad and I decided to go outside and walk on the very dark street to get a clearer view of what my mom just witnessed. To my surprise, I wasn’t paying attention to the lights at all – I saw the most beautiful sight I have ever seen in this lifetime: a sky bombarded with stars that seemed like different sizes of diamonds scattered and left there for the whole of humanity to see.  I never saw such wonder in my soon to be twenty years of life – not even way back when I lived in Cavite as a kid (I still remember that moment in my life when I went with my yaya to buy something at a sari sari store and as we walked back home, I was just gazing at the stars while I held her hand to guide me through).

       As I gazed up at the stars in bewilderment, it all sunk in to me – this place is beautiful in so many ways. I soon realized that the simplicity of life in here is way better than the hassle of living in the city when we are on a constant rush to get things done; we head out early, drive out only to experience long hours of being stuck in traffic, work our minds off trying to get work done, try to manage our personal lives, worry about what other people would think or say, all the other things that boggle our existence. I have one question to bring with you after read this: When was the last time you stopped and gazed outside just to see the sky? 

    There are so many things I have taken for granted in this trip. Not only the beauty of this majestic and mysterious island, but the love of a father and a mother who only want to bring pride and honour to the family name; parents that only desire a better future for their three children so that they would not experience the hardship they had to go through. I always remembered how dad would always tell my mom and I that he is doing everything not for himself, but for the whole family – he has only a few years left for his body to be able to climb up the steep mountain and it won’t matter until then; he just wants the family name to have something.
I never saw it that way – to me, this place would always be his legacy.

      As I indulge in a deep slumber, I’m thankful that I found a piece of myself in Siquijor. Indeed, this island does wonders – wonders of the heart and spirit that no other things could ever replace.  

The Awakened Consciousness

Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.

                                                                                                                                  -John F. Kennedy 

I have been through so much to get to where I am now. Rehabilitation from losing one's self, I could say, is one of the hardest experiences people encounter in a lifetime - I have been there and I am pretty convinced that I would not ever let myself get into that kind of situation. The situation where I chose to gave all of myself away - trusted the very most thing that was meant to stay with me: my heart.

I thought I would not be able to rise above all the things that happened to me but here I am, soaring higher than ever after one year of trying to find myself. It was a long and painful journey but every minute was  absolutely worth it. 

Ironically, that year was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned the value of all the things I missed; and when I did, I chose to run after them.Everything feels like I have given another chance to make things right, to never commit the same mistakes all over again, to give myself a higher value than what I used to perceive. 

If there's one valuable lesson I have gained through such an undermining experience, it would be that life is a choice of how you want to make it - it is a choice between living and dying, or even succeeding and failing.

I CHOOSE TO LIVE.