Friday, October 23, 2009

The Infectuous Labyrinth

I reach out to you not knowing if there's something to grasp.
Are you really there or you're just one of the masked strangers that came my way?
Thoughts of you, mysterious stranger, insists on baffling my mind.
I am appalled with your charm and your devious smile.

A Demented Appetition

I want to know how its like to free fall;
Free fall without having to worry about hitting the ground.

A Classroom Awakening

October 22, 2009
8:45 am

I sit in the middle of a dull and eerie classroom;  the chairs surrounding me are cold and moist out of the absence of those who are supposed to sit in them. Its a Thursday today and the thought of it being the last academic day of the week gives out this trifling spark of deceitful happiness; A spark that stays a spark - never turns into even the most inconsequential flame.

Ever since I could remember, I have been doing the same thing on most days. Fifteen academic years felt like a constant struggle to get out of the routine I have been stuck with. The thing that changes once in a while are the classroom numbers and the people in it. 

It just came to me that I have not gotten anything grand out of that more than enough time to figure out things for myself. I am still a person of archaic ordinaryness - no kind of achievement with great importance; another nobody walking on the dense surface of the earth.

There has got to be more to life that this. There has got to be something bigger - a thing that could defeat the ultimate purpose of our seemingly futile existence.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Enticing Shadow

The knight in his white horse came to visit me tonight.
A mystery I could not even try to resolve.
He makes me feel as I have been waiting for him,
All this time, where have you been?

Sleep with me tonight
feel the anxiousness that crawls from within.
Attempted pillow assasinations
shall turn into the alchemy of love.


A Melodramatic Convergence

 Getting past the nuisance of being judged through what's not underneath;
nonchalant with what anybody has to say.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Antediluvian Question

I have always wondered why religion has been a big part of humanity's life. It always baffled me how people can have faith in something that seems to be non existent to begin with. It amazes me how that strong belief can actually change people's lives - how they live, what they do and how they face each day's struggles.

Being that resistant person that I am, I never really approved of idolizing something that does not seem to be there. I could not even swallow a bit of the thought of stooping down for something that's bigger than life itself.

I never anticipated that this day would come but I may have just apprehended that it can actually happen. In a wider view of things, I have unexpectedly realized that its not only in religion that people believe not because of its verified existence but out of faith; or sometimes what we call hope. 

Love - who can prove its existence? In my somewhat fourteen years of my ability to understand and remember things, no one has ever explained clearly what love truly is. Science can describe it as a biological and chemical attraction between two people while Theology describes it as an affection needed for supposedly every one that you meet; most of the time, the kids describe it as a "mystery". Does any of them answer that seemingly simple four letter word? 

Not long ago I experienced loving someone that did not exactly exist. That someone - rather, something opened my eyes to that possibility of hope and longing. I have been given a taste of my own medicine. I have synthesized that we choose to have faith in something because of our utmost inner desires - may it be for happiness, materiality, or purely satisfaction.

I can only try to explain; there are still things of the unknown that humanity has not got the answers to.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Thoughts of Ambivalence

The past few days have been such a blur to me. All that happened, I could not decipher if they did me any good or they just drove me even closer to the ledge. 

I got my heart to beat for someone once more but it did not even take a while for it to break into tiny little pieces; I was not even sure if it was not just another illusion my heart and mind gingerly conspired to make me believe. I wrote a number of letters for him but I honestly don't know if he was able to read them. Does not really matter anyway; I chose to love again, my consent to get hurt tagged along. No regrets knowing that I was true to myself and I took a chance.

I tried to be happy; not let anything get in the way. Surprisingly, it worked well for a while. Its just distressing how all those bad circumstances just pop out of nowhere, leaving me in a position where I had to deal with a sudden shift of emotions. I never liked those moments but I guess that's how life is supposed to be. I have heard a number of times about pain as a reminder of our mortality - how alive we are and that we can still feel.

It feels like I'm stuck in a place of ambiguity where I do not know what I want. At times I wonder if that voice in the back of my head is right - I'm too afraid to even pursue finding out what I really want. Behind these carefree laughs and smiles, there's a girl who just wants to fulfill the purpose of her existence and the ultimate happiness that she has been longing for.