Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Thoughts of Ambivalence

The past few days have been such a blur to me. All that happened, I could not decipher if they did me any good or they just drove me even closer to the ledge. 

I got my heart to beat for someone once more but it did not even take a while for it to break into tiny little pieces; I was not even sure if it was not just another illusion my heart and mind gingerly conspired to make me believe. I wrote a number of letters for him but I honestly don't know if he was able to read them. Does not really matter anyway; I chose to love again, my consent to get hurt tagged along. No regrets knowing that I was true to myself and I took a chance.

I tried to be happy; not let anything get in the way. Surprisingly, it worked well for a while. Its just distressing how all those bad circumstances just pop out of nowhere, leaving me in a position where I had to deal with a sudden shift of emotions. I never liked those moments but I guess that's how life is supposed to be. I have heard a number of times about pain as a reminder of our mortality - how alive we are and that we can still feel.

It feels like I'm stuck in a place of ambiguity where I do not know what I want. At times I wonder if that voice in the back of my head is right - I'm too afraid to even pursue finding out what I really want. Behind these carefree laughs and smiles, there's a girl who just wants to fulfill the purpose of her existence and the ultimate happiness that she has been longing for.

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