Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Black Hole

After weeks of experiencing constant rainfall, I got to feel the warmth of the sun as I walked a short distance to my building. I saw the stunning shades of green and felt the rare chilly wind brush on my skin. It was a wonderful atmosphere that it made me want to savor the slightest sensation it gave my very existence. I tried to remember the last time I felt so strongly for this kind of simple joy, but I could not – all I could remember were the emotionless walks as I looked past people I came across with. I was in awe as I conceived the realization that I have not been running after who I always envisioned myself to be.  Such an experience made me take my time and comprehend the reality I have been living with eyes tightly shut. 

It made me wonder what else I could have been missing. The introvert in me that has been longing to hold on tightly to her dreams of triumph and success slowly awakened – it was like that moment when the whole world seems to halt and your person is the only element that makes sense. I took my time as I thought about what I was to expect as I place myself in my work station and then I knew that there was nothing special waiting for me in there.

I have been working for three months now. I have been doing the same things over and over that it seemed like it trapped me in a box where I was programmed to go to work, do what I am told to do, and watch out for the slightest actions that I take and words that I blurt out. Not only that but this place seems like I always have to make the constant effort of being somebody I really am not. I feel like I have been sucked into a black hole where all my hopes and dreams slowly pull away. The irony of it is that I made those ambitions into a shining star and yet I didn’t hold on to them and chose to go do what everyone else does. 

I remember the times when I would spend hours of my day just touching fabric, sketching outfits, and sewing clothes. I had to go to the poorest places in Manila to get good deals, I had to talk to a lot of people who did not seem to understand what I really wanted to say, I had to hold on to my money until the very last cent just because I wanted to invest it into my business. That’s not even half of what I went through to create Christine Angela to what it was in its glory days. Looking back, Christine Angela was the hardest part of my life but then it was the best. I cried a lot of tears, had a lot of sleepless nights, and had a million ways to feel pain. I remember praying for another hour to be added to days just so I can get things done. I remember exactly how everything was so tiring and painful. I wish I can show you how it really was for me but I guess it is something only I will ever be interested to know. Having all of these in one day everyday consumed my physical being but the entirety of my existence was fulfilled.

As I look back at this time of my life, I realize that there’s was never a time that I was happier. I was excited to wake up every day – very eager to get up and get a lot of things done. I knew then that it was something that I really wanted to do. I embraced it so much that it grew in no time. 

Today, I am just another face in the crowd. I cannot ignore the constant feeling of being stuck in a world I am forced to live in. I regret that I chose to live life within the border – that I did not push myself more to take a huge leap of faith. I cannot stand the fact that I am just another person walking along with the thousands of people every day in the city, that I am imprisoned by a routine to the advantage of a huge corporation, and that I get overly excited for the upcoming payday. 

I feel like a star that has run out of brightness Maybe that feeling of being in a black hole was wrong. Maybe, just maybe – I am that black hole; a dead star in a universe of ordinariness and lost dreams. 

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