Unexpected Friends

V

Ten years from now, I'll look back at your memory and smile. Somehow, I know I'll feel my soul mourn as my heart would feel that sudden pinch of pain...

Knowing that you have always been the greatest love I never could have.

In That Coffee Shop

I cannot recall the last time I was left alone to my thoughts. I cannot remember the last time I was comfortable with my being alone. Don't get me wrong, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am, absolutely and undoubtedly alone - nothing more; nothing less. I have been around, seen the world in different perspectives - met people I never fathomed I would, been to places I never thought would be possible for me to reach, and I might have fallen in-love with an idea of a possibility that never could be.

Possibly, maybe, I have been in denial whenever I forthrightly express how happy I am - then again, as I step back and see where my reality has taken me, I do not sense a single manifestation of sadness, anguish, or pain. I am free. My free spirit and my existence took me to the path that lead me to people and places that I have come to embrace; I am grateful for the genuine love and respect I have been experiencing. 

...But today, my soul yearns to go back and live my being alone. 

I shall read an unconventional book in a quiet corner; somewhere in an unfamiliar place where there is no but slightly chance that anybody would recognize me. I shall sit here with this  unremarkable and commercialized cinnamon roll accompanied by another yet preserved raspberry juice. I smell that soothing aroma of coffee and feel the romanticism until it lasted. I settle down - get lost in the book while hours of the day goes on. Page 1, 2, ... 79. This book is exceptional - the art of doing business and understanding money. I needed to know more, I thirst for the peculiar words and thoughts it has to offer. 

Despite my fascination, in a split second, I was caught in an involuntary act of glancing at you. It seems as you have been there for a while and my senses felt how you have been staring at me since then. I catch your eye and to your surprise, you look away. You seem familiar, I may have seen you before. It does not matter - I am here to be alone and it shall stay that way. It makes me uncomfortable how I can see you stare and fidget as if you had some kind of agenda you wanted to protest. I could not concentrate on my book - I felt like a performer in a spotlight being watched with every gesture I make. Its time to go. 

I close my book and carefully stuff my bag with my ancient yet essential music player, cellular phone, and  pink pen. I can see you fidgeting even more as I get up and walk towards the direction of the exit which is yours. You have eyes that make me see a kind heart, you are reading a law book which makes me see your intelligence - you let out a seemingly awkward smile as I catch your eye for the second time. 

I'm sorry. In this moment all I ever want is to embrace my person - it is the wrong time and the wrong place. 

Maybe some other time - maybe never. 

Things I Learned at 21

(1)          College is the Best Time of your Life

As I stepped into College, I always told my High School friends how our time was the best time of my life. Looking back, it gives me that little satisfying moment of chuckling about how oblivious I was of the world I was faced with. I always thought sitting in that ancient arm chair, not doing anything with my classmates, was the best way to spend my days. Somehow, doing nothing and just letting things happen did sound appealing at one point in my life.

As I sit in this quarter they call an “office” (having finished the things I needed to do, of course) , It has never been clearer to me that college is the best time anybody could ever have in their entire lifetime. How could I not feel invincible when I had everything under my control? It was that time of my life that, in the deepest sense of the phrase, I was the master of my destiny. Nothing was ever forced into you while you were in College; not even the classes you seemingly “had” to take. You were always left with a choice – to study or to flunk, to shine or to disappear, to make each moment count or to live blindly in the shadows.

It was that time in my life that I surprised myself everyday with the slightest decision I chose to make. I never thought I would end up to be a strong-willed child, packed with my own beliefs and ideals on how the world should be. I never thought that given the option to indulge in the limitless array of possibilities, I dealt with freedom the way that made my parents proud. Sure, I fucked things up once in a while, had my share of failed subjects, and partied hard until I passed out – but hey, who does not go through that? I was a good kid but that does not mean I wasted my youth living the “right” way every day.

I fell “in-love” hard and felt the most painful heart ache I have ever experienced, I gave in to temptations of cutting classes and failed, I worked hard in one of the best school organizations and went on to be a respectable officer in my field. One thing I am most certainly proud of about college was that I had my own business, one that allowed me to create my ideas into tangible items that would be part of other people’s lives.  I stumbled upon hundreds of failures - but that one moment you get to put a smile on somebody else’s face will always be worth the sacrifices you made.

Work allows you to earn money and have freedom just as well but where I am now, I have come to know the difference of living young and free from that of living inside the rules of a rather bigger entity. Having a job means you have to please your bosses and be mindful of your actions – at all times. It means you have to blend into the culture no matter how hard you have to bend. It means creating a version of you that should be turned on as long as you get to be associated with the corporation’s name. It is almost like you get to wear an invisible uniform mixed with the complicatedness of being a unique individual while you prove to everyone else that you belong. It is like being trapped in a fish tank, mixed with different kinds of sea creatures – you are put in a spotlight with nowhere to go.

As I have come to know how it is like to be thrown into the so called “real life”, my mind has been made up that college was in fact, the best time anybody can have in this life. In a way, it felt like one huge experiment – a stage where I was held responsible with every move that I made. I had a whole army of friends and family but looking back now, I never depended on anybody to make my decisions for me or to shield me from the consequences of my flawed judgments. I was the only ruling party in my own universe, an individual capable of winning and losing – but winning some more (for it is through failure we learn the best).

College was the time of self-discovery, where we can all make mistakes and wander the halls aimlessly as we try to find who we really are. It was an excuse to play around this playground of a world. We lived a life where we all get judged less just because of the ultimate leverage of being young. It was that time that we formulated an idea of who we really are and who we want to be. You may not know it now, but as you look deeper into your existence, you already know the answer - you just have to accept and embrace your very existence.

(2)          You can Never Choose who Stays or who Goes

It has always been a choice whether to leave or stay in someone’s life. There is no one in this world that has not experienced loss. By now, I am sure you have thought of one or two people who left; may it be by choice or through an event bigger than us – one that is totally out of our hands. At the higher part of my list of the most painful events in my life would be losing someone special. I know that I could be the hardest person to understand or even to be with; but at the end of the day, those who make the effort to get to know me surely gets to have a piece of me – my loyalty, my kindness, and my trust. Once I fall in real friendship with somebody, I choose to never let go.

You can never choose who stays or goes. You can have this really annoying suitor who would choose to stay even if you try your best to shoo him off every day. You can have this amazing lover who, at some point you thought you would marry – but then you find yourself in that situation where he has made up his mind about leaving you for good.

                See, we are all given the gift of freedom by some kind of higher being. It is the thing – we may wish to select those people in our lives that get to leave or to stay. Sadly, it never worked that way and I am so sure that it never will; not now, not ever. We enjoy the freedom of choosing if we should stay or go in somebody’s life - and that “freedom” is the same freedom that stops us from controlling who stays or goes. Aside from the whole grey area of uncontrollable events, just like you, everybody else exercises their right to decide when to stay or go.

(3)          Dreams are Overrated

I can’t remember exactly when I started dreaming of something I wanted to be or wanted to have. I’m pretty sure it comes innately with the mind the moment we develop our consciousness. I am no expert in this field but based on my twenty years of observation, we all have this image of us that we want to experience in the near future. The oldest memory of a dream that I can recall was that I wanted to be a big shot doctor – then later, when I started going to school, I wanted to be a teacher just because I enjoyed drawing on the blackboard. I remember dreaming of having a sticker album with a complete collection of all the Lisa Frank stickers.

By now, I have realized that as we grow older, our dreams become bigger. As our dreams get bigger, they seem to get harder to grasp. As I have come to realize this, it made me think – which one of these dreams in my twenty one years of existence came true? Maybe there were a few – one here and there, scattered wildly in between the timeline. One thing’s for sure – not one was significant enough to be remembered or praised.

We all have that one vision that we want ourselves to be part of a couple of years from now – as we grow older, it transforms and adapts into the current predicaments that we are faced with.

I have always looked up to people who dream as hard as I could – who see their vision not as tiny flashes of photos but as one bright and vivid movie. I always thought that these dreams are the ones worth living – the ones that are meant to move from the mind into the realm of reality. The sad truth about this is that they are just dreams – visions in that brilliant universe in the mind. No matter how beautiful it is, no matter how vivid and bright it can be narrated, it will just be a dream – unless drawn out from the mind and brought into the physical world. Until then, a dream will just be an over-rated attempt to seduce the receiver – wordplay, imagination, mindfuck.

(4)          Time Heals the Wounds but Never Erases the Scars

(5)          Society does not Recognize Uniqueness

(6)          True Friends Love You More than You Think They Do

(7)          Nobody Ever has the Right to Judge Anybody

(8)          Studying Hard hardly Gets you the Job

(9)          Love is Infatuation

(10)      Photos do not Always tell you the Truth

(11)      The Difference between Acting Mature and Being Mature

(12)      Somebody will Always be Better than You

(13)      Things Happen for a Reason

(14)      There is No Shortcut to Mending a Broken Heart

(15)      Nobody Remembers who they were at 21

(16)      The Number of Years in a Relationship is Not an Assurance that You will end up Together

(17)      Your Parents are your life’s greatest miracle

(18)      Never Revolve Your World Around Anybody

(19)      Trust is one of the Hardest Things to Do

(20)      Let Go of the People who Chose to Give Up on You

(21)      Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

(22)      Every day is a Date with Destiny

(23)      Every Tear Drop Makes You Stronger

(24)      As You Grow Older, You Carry Heavier Baggage

Here Comes the Sun

Hello, Stranger with a Name

The moment I had my arms around your neck as I was about to say goodbye changed everything. I was looking straight into your eyes and it instantly felt like I had butterflies all over my tummy. It left me with a question that has been playing in my head over and over, in different forms and visions, in colorful flashes from distinct seconds of memory: “What if I stayed and just let go?.” Would it have changed anything or will I still be just another girl you met?

You see, I promised the rest of the night to a friend that I haven’t seen in five years. The plan was to catch up about everything that we have missed and to just be sober. He had all the courage to ask permission from all of my three bosses to take me out. He even had to give out his number just in case they wanted to look for me. As a friend, I am the most loyal you’ll ever meet – and it means the world to me to keep my word with every chance I get… and so I did what I had to do.

I must admit, the glistening water at the beach as the full moon shone all over it was amazing. The breeze was unlike anything that I have ever experienced before. It was like the universe conspired to create that perfect moment. It was magic.

I just was not so sure if it was really him I wanted to be with. A part of me was pulling me back to you.

I met you twice that day – a day that was part of my year’s greatest adventure. It came as a surprise as I was not anticipating to have a person I spent a couple of minutes with be one of the highlights of that utopian holiday.

It has been eight days and yet thoughts of the way you looked and the way you were comes more often that you think. They catch me in the most unexpected moments of my day; and you know what? I indulge in them. They make me smile or give me flashes of that fluttery feeling.  

I know you will be coming back soon but I do not know if you would see me after this. Its a huge risk, you might think of me differently now and run away as far as you can. It doesn't matter, I just thought that you deserve to know what a few minutes with you meant to one person in the world.

No regrets. :)

Forever Young

See Right Through Me

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun.

Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,

This world you must've crossed. She said:

"You don't know me, you don't even care,

She said

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains."

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across

An open field,

When flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones who cry

When they see you

She said

You don't know me, you don't even care,

She said

You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains.

She said I think I'll go to Boston.

I think I'll start a new life,

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.

I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain.

Oh yeah and I think I'll go to Boston,

I think that I'm just tired.

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,

I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice.

You don't know me, you don't even care.

-Boston  , Augustana 

The Black Hole

After weeks of experiencing constant rainfall, I got to feel the warmth of the sun as I walked a short distance to my building. I saw the stunning shades of green and felt the rare chilly wind brush on my skin. It was a wonderful atmosphere that it made me want to savor the slightest sensation it gave my very existence. I tried to remember the last time I felt so strongly for this kind of simple joy, but I could not – all I could remember were the emotionless walks as I looked past people I came across with. I was in awe as I conceived the realization that I have not been running after who I always envisioned myself to be.  Such an experience made me take my time and comprehend the reality I have been living with eyes tightly shut. 

It made me wonder what else I could have been missing. The introvert in me that has been longing to hold on tightly to her dreams of triumph and success slowly awakened – it was like that moment when the whole world seems to halt and your person is the only element that makes sense. I took my time as I thought about what I was to expect as I place myself in my work station and then I knew that there was nothing special waiting for me in there.

I have been working for three months now. I have been doing the same things over and over that it seemed like it trapped me in a box where I was programmed to go to work, do what I am told to do, and watch out for the slightest actions that I take and words that I blurt out. Not only that but this place seems like I always have to make the constant effort of being somebody I really am not. I feel like I have been sucked into a black hole where all my hopes and dreams slowly pull away. The irony of it is that I made those ambitions into a shining star and yet I didn’t hold on to them and chose to go do what everyone else does. 

I remember the times when I would spend hours of my day just touching fabric, sketching outfits, and sewing clothes. I had to go to the poorest places in Manila to get good deals, I had to talk to a lot of people who did not seem to understand what I really wanted to say, I had to hold on to my money until the very last cent just because I wanted to invest it into my business. That’s not even half of what I went through to create Christine Angela to what it was in its glory days. Looking back, Christine Angela was the hardest part of my life but then it was the best. I cried a lot of tears, had a lot of sleepless nights, and had a million ways to feel pain. I remember praying for another hour to be added to days just so I can get things done. I remember exactly how everything was so tiring and painful. I wish I can show you how it really was for me but I guess it is something only I will ever be interested to know. Having all of these in one day everyday consumed my physical being but the entirety of my existence was fulfilled.

As I look back at this time of my life, I realize that there’s was never a time that I was happier. I was excited to wake up every day – very eager to get up and get a lot of things done. I knew then that it was something that I really wanted to do. I embraced it so much that it grew in no time. 

Today, I am just another face in the crowd. I cannot ignore the constant feeling of being stuck in a world I am forced to live in. I regret that I chose to live life within the border – that I did not push myself more to take a huge leap of faith. I cannot stand the fact that I am just another person walking along with the thousands of people every day in the city, that I am imprisoned by a routine to the advantage of a huge corporation, and that I get overly excited for the upcoming payday. 

I feel like a star that has run out of brightness Maybe that feeling of being in a black hole was wrong. Maybe, just maybe – I am that black hole; a dead star in a universe of ordinariness and lost dreams. 

A Month Past 2012's Half

I have had a number of people telling me that they come lurking around in this blog once in a while - with hopes of reading another yet controversial thought from the deepest part of my idiosyncratic consciousness. 

Here I am, missing how it was like to have something to pour my apprehensions to. I come here once in a while, browsing through my words. I read them over and over up until the entry that inspired me to establish this abode into lasting existence. As I read on, I was struck with the realization of how much I have grown. The way I write may have inconspicuously changed but my thoughts and who I was have evolved into a more mature being that I have become. 

So much has happened since I last wrote here. Recently, it has always been about how I have been missing out on the writing and just quick updates of how my life has been. Even so, they have helped me to remember the significant things that happened to my life. I like to think that maybe, somebody somewhere - stranger or not, would like to get to know what goes on inside my mind. 

Its been more than half of the year for 2012, so much has happened and I could not believe how far I have come from being that lady who cried her heart out over shallow things. I met somebody who embraces the person that I am, I chased a dream and turned it into a reality, I have graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Business Management from one of the best schools in the country, and a few months after that, I got employed by the Philippines' best real estate services firm. 

I met somebody who loves me for the person that I am. His selflessness wraps me despite my many imperfections and the different conflicts that come running our way. Since the day that I met him, he has always made sure that I am well taken cared of - he made sure to be part of every moment of my life. Ever since, he has been celebrating with me during times of victory, he has been holding my hand in times of defeat. I would have to admit, we are not perfect all the time - but its those moments of choosing to fight for each other that makes our relationship stronger. 

I chased a dream - the dream that I have been holding on to every since I could remember. I remember spending bus rides to and from school - daydreaming of my very own clothing line. I never thought that even before finishing college, I would materialize it. It was not as easy as I thought it would be. I felt the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Giving life to Christine Angela was one of the greatest fulfillment I have had in my life. I believe its going to be one that I would always remember in this existence. Its on-hold right now, but when the time is right, I'll put it right back and make sure that it will stand out among the rest. 

I graduated college with a Bachelor's Degree in Business Management. After so many years of doing the same thing over and over again, I finally did it. I did not get any kind of honor, just a measly loyalty award medal but it does not matter. I knew what I did was great work. How I lived my college life, I would never change for anything in the world. I learned a lot of lessons and introduced me to friends I would love to have for the whole stretch of my lifetime. This time of my life molded me to be strong, and it showed me a world where I have nobody else to depend on but myself. College made me realize how I love being around with real people, how I love working on things I am truly passionate about, how I get so complacent when I have to do something I am not interested about, and many more. After years of saying how High School has been the best part of my life, I now know how mistaken I was. It was after college that I got to see how it is the best time of my life. 

In a couple of days, I would have been working for Jones Lang LaSalle Leechiu for three months. I am happy to be where I am. I never thought I would be in real estate but as I spend each day working for this company, it opens my eyes even more as to how I fit in. I love seeing the world as I work - I love being in other places once in a while, meeting people and getting a glimpse of how their world is like. I love being around people who inspire me to be better everyday. I love seeing an image of who I can be and the things that I can do, and I love being around people who understand that we are all part of an organization with specific roles that we have to fulfill. I do, in every sense of the word, "love" my job.

I am happy with who I turned out to be. Everyday will always be a struggle to find myself more. I may not find pleasant things once in a while, but through the years, I have learned to keep my head up high. I have learned that no matter how things may seem so impossible, there will always be that rainbow waiting to console my soul and mend my entire being.