Forbidden Mistletoe Kisses

Its the time of the year again - the one I earnestly wait for. The breeze that touches my skin is beginning to wrap every inch of it with a comforting chill, I gravely await for every day to turn into the darkest of night just so I could see such wonderful lights, I frantically rant about the impossibly hectic traffic for the reason that everybody else is busy shopping for their loved ones.

As I stare at the glittery golden Christmas tree under the spotlight, I gaze in wonder how such could symbolize peace and generosity - how a tree could look so elegant when we get past thousands of them in our everyday lives. The Christmas Jazz music that's way better than what everybody else listens to on ordinary days gets through to my soul which makes me forget about the earthly pains and worries I have been cautiously hiding. 

So much parties to attend to, so much shopping to do, so much going on and yet I love every minute of it. Makes me wonder how this feeling only lasts for just a month - I feel like I am in love with something of the unknown. There's something to it that I could just embrace forever. I feel family all around me, friends who really care, even strangers who seem to be a bit closer.

Yes, after a long time, I feel happy and at peace. 

Happy Holidays.

The Inconspicuous Uncertainty

"You took chances Once too many times."

Its so nice to hear from you, sweet stranger; bittersweet how you decide to pop in such an averse time. You have always told me how we should leave everything to fate - that its immutable power has control over humanity. I remember myself in a position when I took the biggest leap of faith in my life and look where it got me. I am alive yet broken in ways I never saw coming.

I did not take chances too many times. I choose who I fall in love with and that person who I last loved would always be the one - as I always promised. 

"So close and still so far."

The Infectuous Labyrinth

I reach out to you not knowing if there's something to grasp.

Are you really there or you're just one of the masked strangers that came my way?

Thoughts of you, mysterious stranger, insists on baffling my mind.

I am appalled with your charm and your devious smile.

A Demented Appetition

I want to know how its like to free fall;

Free fall without having to worry about hitting the ground.

A Classroom Awakening

October 22, 2009

8:45 am

LS216

I sit in the middle of a dull and eerie classroom;  the chairs surrounding me are cold and moist out of the absence of those who are supposed to sit in them. Its a Thursday today and the thought of it being the last academic day of the week gives out this trifling spark of deceitful happiness; A spark that stays a spark - never turns into even the most inconsequential flame.

Ever since I could remember, I have been doing the same thing on most days. Fifteen academic years felt like a constant struggle to get out of the routine I have been stuck with. The thing that changes once in a while are the classroom numbers and the people in it. 

It just came to me that I have not gotten anything grand out of that more than enough time to figure out things for myself. I am still a person of archaic ordinaryness - no kind of achievement with great importance; another nobody walking on the dense surface of the earth.

There has got to be more to life that this. There has got to be something bigger - a thing that could defeat the ultimate purpose of our seemingly futile existence.

The Enticing Shadow

The knight in his white horse came to visit me tonight.

A mystery I could not even try to resolve.

He makes me feel as I have been waiting for him,

All this time, where have you been?

Sleep with me tonight

feel the anxiousness that crawls from within.

Attempted pillow assasinations

shall turn into the alchemy of love.

<3

A Melodramatic Convergence

 Getting past the nuisance of being judged through what's not underneath;

nonchalant with what anybody has to say.

The Antediluvian Question

I have always wondered why religion has been a big part of humanity's life. It always baffled me how people can have faith in something that seems to be non existent to begin with. It amazes me how that strong belief can actually change people's lives - how they live, what they do and how they face each day's struggles.

Being that resistant person that I am, I never really approved of idolizing something that does not seem to be there. I could not even swallow a bit of the thought of stooping down for something that's bigger than life itself.

I never anticipated that this day would come but I may have just apprehended that it can actually happen. In a wider view of things, I have unexpectedly realized that its not only in religion that people believe not because of its verified existence but out of faith; or sometimes what we call hope. 

Love - who can prove its existence? In my somewhat fourteen years of my ability to understand and remember things, no one has ever explained clearly what love truly is. Science can describe it as a biological and chemical attraction between two people while Theology describes it as an affection needed for supposedly every one that you meet; most of the time, the kids describe it as a "mystery". Does any of them answer that seemingly simple four letter word? 

Not long ago I experienced loving someone that did not exactly exist. That someone - rather, something opened my eyes to that possibility of hope and longing. I have been given a taste of my own medicine. I have synthesized that we choose to have faith in something because of our utmost inner desires - may it be for happiness, materiality, or purely satisfaction.

I can only try to explain; there are still things of the unknown that humanity has not got the answers to.

Thoughts of Ambivalence

The past few days have been such a blur to me. All that happened, I could not decipher if they did me any good or they just drove me even closer to the ledge. 

I got my heart to beat for someone once more but it did not even take a while for it to break into tiny little pieces; I was not even sure if it was not just another illusion my heart and mind gingerly conspired to make me believe. I wrote a number of letters for him but I honestly don't know if he was able to read them. Does not really matter anyway; I chose to love again, my consent to get hurt tagged along. No regrets knowing that I was true to myself and I took a chance.

I tried to be happy; not let anything get in the way. Surprisingly, it worked well for a while. Its just distressing how all those bad circumstances just pop out of nowhere, leaving me in a position where I had to deal with a sudden shift of emotions. I never liked those moments but I guess that's how life is supposed to be. I have heard a number of times about pain as a reminder of our mortality - how alive we are and that we can still feel.

It feels like I'm stuck in a place of ambiguity where I do not know what I want. At times I wonder if that voice in the back of my head is right - I'm too afraid to even pursue finding out what I really want. Behind these carefree laughs and smiles, there's a girl who just wants to fulfill the purpose of her existence and the ultimate happiness that she has been longing for.

A Fact of Our Existence

"I just need to know if its possible for two people to stay happy together forever."  -JUNO

As I watched the movie for the second time, this line just inadvertently hit me. I have had  a couple of questions similar to this.

How do we know that the person we are supposedly "in love" with is the right one? How do we know that the relationship will last for a lifetime?

Its a very obnoxious thought specially when we only have one lifetime to live. - one chance to make things right, to fall in love with the right person, and to spend "forever" with him/her.

All we could do is waste precious time, gamble, and hope for the right one to just come and take our misery and doubts away.

The Surrealness of Thought

 

Writing with the voices of uncertainty at the back of my mind;

  Surprisingly going with the flow to wherever it takes me.

An Exasperated Drama

The past few days have been so calm and soothing; the rain never stopped. Its as if the higher beings just listened to my drawned out plead to make me feel alive. 

I endear life the most when I go through times like these. I feel much more alive when I am reminded of my earthly pains and discontentment. I awake from the dreams I love to be convinced of and I distrust even a bit of hope for something greater. 

Dreams and hopes are illusions of the mind. As much as I want to make all of these real, they can never be. They are non existent - a make believe, a lie to feed humanity's  surreal craving for a better life. The futility of even trying paves way for ignorance and yet learning not to drown in them is the hardest thing there is to constrain.

A Vanquished Sympathy

"How many times can I break until I shatter? Over the line, I can't define what I'm after. I always turn the car around. Give me a break; let me make my own pattern. All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered."

-O.A.R. (Of A Revolution)   

The Isochronism

Here I am again writing with a shattered heart. I have just realized that most of us yearn for that feeling of utterly reciprocated love that we tend to blind ourselves from the shallow reasons that make us give in to that extreme desire. We choose to turn our heads the other way than accept the fact that this person may not be the one for us; hence, it leads to a bitter ending: sad, crushed, and most of all, lonely - right back where we started.

I have gone through a number of moments like these and yet I never seem to get tired. I get past the stop sign and think that this person could be the one; the one that is worth the risk of getting hurt. Only to end up with a heart shattered in pieces, knees on the floor, and free flowing tears. 

Every time I get back up, I tell myself to reluctantly choose the next one. To no avail, it ends over and over again. Most times I think it gets tiring but when this next potential charmer comes my way, there I am practically throwing myself with hope that this could be the one that could give me the happiness I deserve. 

Someone, please get me out of my misery.

An Exquisite Contour

Free falling into the enchanter of the damned;

Not knowing which way to go.

An Unprecedented Escape

 

On the extremity between dreams and the ultimate reality;

I struggle to feel both at the same time.

 

Days of Antiquity

"What makes a man the way he is?"

This question has been part of the persistent thoughts that have been bothering me for the past few days. What is it that makes us who we are? Is it all because of all the circumstances we had to go through or is it fate acting on us? Can it be both? Yet again, more questions with answers I don't know where to discover.

As I recall the innumerable memories I have had so far, it amazes me how I am the way I am. There was this one particular moment where I woke up to the realization that I can not be like all the others - I do not want to live my life doing whatever it is that they do; loving whatever it is that they love.

I refuse to be stereotyped as this little girl who does not know a bit about life; I never wanted to be labeled as this little girl who smiles her way out of everything. Yes, I am eighteen; and some of you might say these silly thoughts of mine are awfully ridiculous. Then again, this eighteen year old lady, I must say, is quite rare.

I refuse to be oblivious to the world - I crave to grasp that feeling of knowing what there is to know. I shall live without regrets and be aware of what's out there. I thirst to experience every emotion that life can possibly give.

I do not want to be remembered only as part of a crowd.

I want to be remembered as THE Christine Angela Sevilla that once lived her life extraordinarily.

A Cherry Lasciviousness

 

And yet her desires remain hidden to the eyes of the world;

waiting to be found and quenched.

A Psychedelic Dream

I woke up today with a feeling that I have not felt in such a long time. I don't have anything grand planned to do today and yet my heart pounds in excitement for what today awaits. Instances like these are precious; something to live for - to look forward to in every waking moment; the moment when I first open my eyes and start to feel.

I yearn for a big adventure - something I will never forget until I perish this physical reality. I dream of a place where humanity has no restrictions - no standards it has to live with, no one to please but themselves. This place I talk about, I have heard people argue that without rules to restrict humanity, there would be nothing but chaos and beastliness.

"Every man for himself"

I'm sure you have heard this at least once or twice in your life. There would not be any kind of chaos when the world did not have any definitive standards set out for humanity to follow. There would be no good or bad, what is and what is not supposed to be. 

I must admit, I don't know human nature from the books but from what I have observed so far, each one of us is searching for happiness - the ultimate happiness that could defeat the purpose of whatever it is the others would like to think of. 

I want to take off and start my adventure. I want to make a mark in everyone I come across with - inspire them. I want to see the world and experience everything it has to offer.

A Technicolored Luster

 

I like to think of myself as this locket.

Brilliant yet shallow. 

Immortal Beloved

Oh Immortal Beloved,

Believing in your existence is betraying the very thought that there's no such thing as "the right time"; and yet here I am, ready to defeat every reason that tells me I should not. In reality, I don't know anything about you. I do not know who you are and yet I love you in the deepest sense. I love you in a way that when every time a thought of you passes by, my heart jumps out of pain; like it experiences a massive flicker of a lightning shock. 

Think of me as a lovely masochist for your love; a fan who would do anything to get to know how it feels like to be with you - for you to be called mine. As much as it hurts thinking that you may never be that one I have been perceiving you were, I choose to risk all that I have and hope for a miracle that would lead me to wherever you are. 

I'm lost for words. I know I still have so much to say. My thoughts are speaking to me all at the same time; I can't put everything out in words, much to my frustrations and pains towards you.

Until then,

Christine Angela Sevilla

A Lovely Apprehension

 

Transcendental hallucinations;

A boundless boulevard to the never ending search for the unknown.

The Morning Sedative

Every day I wake up with fathomless thoughts about how I live my life. Its absurd to know that I awake for a purpose - that my existence has not fulfilled what its meant to do just yet. 

I want to know what I am living for so I may fight for it; I want to feel contentment and satisfaction in the things I do. It exasperates me that I can't find a way to look for the answers to so many questions that I have been yearning  for. 

Its aggravating how, for as much as I want to go out there and look for them, I don't know where to start. I can not just sit here and wait for some circumstance to throw these so called answers because from what I have learned so far, life doesn't work that way - it never has, and definitely, it never will.    

A Random Encounter

I talked to someone today. That someone I'm sure I won't be forgetting anytime soon. We have been talking for a couple of minutes now and yet this person makes me feel like he can understand me more than the people that I encounter with everyday could. He said:

 "I have special people in my life, but I am as lonely as you."

This guy is just brilliant. That line (and some others which I will be discussing later) made a mark. It does not happen so much with conversations I have with people - specially with strangers. 

I just dawned on me that yes, I have so much special people in my life and yet here I am, shallow and jaded. Why such loneliness? Is there something wrong with me? Could it be the reason for my thoughts and feelings an aftermath of my refusal to open up to happiness and opportuntites? For whatever reason it is, I'm surely frustrated. I shall find out the answers soon enough. By then, I shall be living that life of happiness that recently seems to be closer to dreaming that experiencing reality.

The conversation landed into that issue of infidelity. He shared to me (not in detail) his own experience on it and I simply commented that the thought of infidelity disgusts me. He said:

"Infidelity is an interplay of reasons, circumstances, time and some other things. the mere thought of it should stimulate you to think and come up with a rather intellectual objective realization. Not disgust."

Well said - I don't think there are no other better set of words to reply to such a meaningless comment. 

There should be more of this guy's kind. People like him interests me so much because they know where they stand and they know how to clearly set out their thoughts; thoughts that actually make sense. If only the world would have more of them; there would be less complications and crap that we have to deal with.

A Distorted Reality

 

She fights for her life.

She waits for a little bit more.

She knows soon she'll get what she deserves.

Over the Horizon

I need a place where I can shout my thoughts away. 

I need something I could wipe my free flowing tears with. 

I need to find my very own place of refuge - away from the sad and cruel realities of the world I am in now.

Management

Management is a story about a guy who runs a motel with his parents who, on one random day, fell inlove with a customer. Mike (Steve Zahn) wanted to take his chance with Sue (Jennifer Aniston) went up to her on the night that she checked-in the motel and tried his best to get to know her. Sue was not interested at all and pushed Mike away in whichever way she can. Time came when she finally had to leave the motel which meant parting ways with Mike. On Sue's way out, she knew she wanted Mike - that there was something she did not want to let go off. She went back, and expressed a physical way of attraction with Mike but then eventually ended up leaving, still. 

Mike did everything he can to follow Susan around the country and did all the ways he possibly could to be with her. To Mike's dismay, the more he followed Susan, the more he was pushed away. He never gave up and thought about her for as much as he could. Time came when Mike knew that Susan moved to Washington State to be with her former boyfriend. Despite the fact that Susan had someone already, he still decided to follow her there with only $300 dollars in his pocket. 

He didn't have a home and he was running out of cash and yet searched the whole state for her. He then met this chinese busboy who knew the guy that Susan was with. Things got complicated when Mike found out that Susan was going to be wed to the present boyfriend and that she was pregnant. Mike went to a monk monastery and learned to "let go and move on" while Susan got ready for her baby. 

Like for almost all of the love stories in the movies, they ended up together after everything that happened between them.

KUDDOS to the script writer, director, and whoever chose Steve Zahn to portray Mike's role. The soundtrack was pure brilliant - I loved every song. The movie is surely a must watch. 

How I wish I could have a love like that. How I wish someone would fall for me in a way that he wouldn't see my flaws and just look at me as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I want to know how it feels like being respected and loved in that kind of level - where there is not even room for infidelity or other issues, where it would only be him and I living our life together.

Till that day comes - I will be here waiting for that person to find me.

Little Miss Hollywood

 

Look into my eyes.What do you see? 

Is it the creature that I am, or who you want me to be? 

Under the Blue Skies

Its the first day of my two week break and here I am trying to figure out what to do today. The irony of waiting for one whole term for this  particular time of the academic year so I could just slack off and not do anything. Human nature, I guess. We, as people, were never contented with what we have. 

I love how the weather in the country could be so flexible and nice. I look outside and I see a very calm morning - not like the usual hussle bussle of the dirty polluted streets. I wish everyday would just be like this. Not much sun that hurts the skin, people are actually relaxed, and the temperature is spectacularly soothing. Yes, the kind of weather most of us are tempted to just sleep in. 

I have observed that during days with such a weather, the world seems to fall into place. The usual noise that surrounds the city that we have subconsciously gotten used to disappears. The wind that brushes through my face seemingly whispers a message of comfort, as if saying "Its all going to be okay.", giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. 

I'm going to live today. 

I'm going to live and do things that I want.

At the end of the day, I know everything will eventually

FALL INTO PLACE. 

-Christine Angela Sevilla 09.03.2009

A Telepathic Dream

 

In times when everything seems so impossible,

All I need is my car and the road. 

An Inconspicuous Escape

 

Get me out of here, I crave for something of importance.

Something worthwhile. 

Her Morning Elegance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_HXUhShhmY

Her Morning Elegance

Oren Lavie

"Sun been down for days, a winter melody she plays. The thunder makes her contemplate."

A Walk through Life

Here I am yet again, trapped in the quietness of the four white walls of my room - tired and exhausted from another day of fighting for life and searching for the unknown. It is sad to say that for every day I live, I don't feel any closer to that thing I am looking for. More so, I don't even know what it is. 

Its confusing how I struggle for the things that  most people would not dare even think about.  Is it just me, or is there something about knowing what's in store and the purpose of why we fight and try to survive this treacherous life? 

We wake up in the morning with thoughts of work that we have to accomplish. We go to wherever we are supposed to be and do what we are supposed to do, we then deal with the constant disappointments that seem to never end. At the end of the day, thoughts about work dangles just right before we go to sleep. What do we get out of our daily routines? Nothing. Its just another day of living a life by the way society perceives it to be.

Live, I want to live Inspired. Die, I want to die for something bigger than myself

                                                                                                         -Anberlin

A Futile Attempt

One Click is all it took for me to recall my lingering longing for you. It has always been there - at the back of my mind, at the back of all the baffling thoughts that has been constantly bothering my worthless days.

I saw everything. At some point, I felt the suffering that has been wrapping your soul. You have too much love for someone who could not, even just for a bit, look at you the way you look at her. You're trapped with illusions of being with her, shutting any possibility that maybe, there's someone out there who would do anything just for you to let her take care of you. I have seen your world for God knows how long. Your world is so different than mine. If it were not, I would not be here, writing my thoughts to you. I'm not even sure if you would be able to read this. Maybe you would someday, maybe you would not; it hurts me that I can't gather enough guts to tell you everything I want to tell you.

I want to tell you that I could be better than her if you let me to. I won't hurt you and treat you the way you should be treated. I would defy reason just to be with you. All I need is one chance to make you feel the way you're supposed to feel - loved, taken care of, and complete.

I recall we talked for a few times, laughed a bit, and shared stares. Funny how every time I see those eyes staring at me, I feel as if I could someday grasp that chance I have been persistently asking you of. Then again I realized, dreaming for you is like dreaming for a star in the palm of my hand - impossible.

When you passed by earlier...
I was a little bit puzzled as where I should put myself up.
Should I just really put these behind and say I am okay or will I stay and prove it to you that you are the missing piece in this puzzle?

You said this impeccably written feelings on the twenty eighth of August in 2009. How could I express my undying longing for you in a way that would make you understand? You are the missing piece in my life's frustrating puzzle. You are the one I need to fill my soul's emptiness.

I have always thought I have been searching for the unknown. Now I know, its you I have been looking for.